Hay,
Lub u smokebomb.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Do You Realize Oklahoma Is F*&@ing Awesome?!
Since Oklahoma seems to be behind the times by approximately 10-15years (yes they still wear Umbros, No Fear t-shirts, listen to Billy Ray Cyrus version 1.0 and party like it is 1999 because y2k is going to kill us all!) it takes a while for information to get in and seep out of that great state. No worries, I have obtained this piece of rocking news for you all. Better late than never.
After a long hard-fought battle Oklahoma has chosen its state rock song. While one thinks this would be an easy decision left up to the Oklahoma citizenry, well guess again. There were two major obstacles. One, so many great songs! The song naturally had to be written by an Oklahoman, sung by an Oklahoman, about Oklahoma or a combination of the 3. Finalists included “Heartbreak Hotel,” co-written by Oklahoma school teacher Mae Boren Axton and recorded by Elvis Presley, “Move Along” by the All-American Rejects (thankfully, Oklahoma rejected them as well) and “Never Been to Spain” by Oklahoman Hoyt Axton and made famous by Three Dog Night (in which one cannot tell the difference between “Oklahoma or Arizona, what does it matter?”). After the downloads of the finalists and replays on their Napster accounts (which they had to pay for since they were unaware of this technology when it was still free), Oklahomans around the glorious red state (alluding to the dirt though political analogies would work too) made a choice…but that choice was not appreciated by the state legislators. Silly public thought they had a right to choose what song would represent Oklahoma in the rock world. Silly people, tricks are for politicians.
This leads me to obstacle number two. After the song “Do You Realize” by The Flaming Lips won in a landslide victory, members of the Oklahoma House wrote a resolution rejecting the psychedelic song by the hippie-dippie communist band. Now please don’t take offense. I am only speaking the truth. I reference this article and my proof lies in the picture! Long hair and a hammer and sickle t-shirt while on the Holy Ground of the Oklahoma Capitol?! Clearly screams hippies and commies. The good-hearted conservative legislators who know what is best for us all tried their damnedest to shield Oklahoma from the tainted reputation of a refuge for lefty Libbys, hippie communes, and psychedelic drug users (not to be confused with Meth addicts, those they support!). However, the Democrats sent in their secret weapon, Governor Brad Henry, to issue an executive order declaring “Do You Realize” as Oklahoma’s State Rock Song.
Alas, the libs prevailed but what do you expect from the home of Woody Guthrie?
After a long hard-fought battle Oklahoma has chosen its state rock song. While one thinks this would be an easy decision left up to the Oklahoma citizenry, well guess again. There were two major obstacles. One, so many great songs! The song naturally had to be written by an Oklahoman, sung by an Oklahoman, about Oklahoma or a combination of the 3. Finalists included “Heartbreak Hotel,” co-written by Oklahoma school teacher Mae Boren Axton and recorded by Elvis Presley, “Move Along” by the All-American Rejects (thankfully, Oklahoma rejected them as well) and “Never Been to Spain” by Oklahoman Hoyt Axton and made famous by Three Dog Night (in which one cannot tell the difference between “Oklahoma or Arizona, what does it matter?”). After the downloads of the finalists and replays on their Napster accounts (which they had to pay for since they were unaware of this technology when it was still free), Oklahomans around the glorious red state (alluding to the dirt though political analogies would work too) made a choice…but that choice was not appreciated by the state legislators. Silly public thought they had a right to choose what song would represent Oklahoma in the rock world. Silly people, tricks are for politicians.
This leads me to obstacle number two. After the song “Do You Realize” by The Flaming Lips won in a landslide victory, members of the Oklahoma House wrote a resolution rejecting the psychedelic song by the hippie-dippie communist band. Now please don’t take offense. I am only speaking the truth. I reference this article and my proof lies in the picture! Long hair and a hammer and sickle t-shirt while on the Holy Ground of the Oklahoma Capitol?! Clearly screams hippies and commies. The good-hearted conservative legislators who know what is best for us all tried their damnedest to shield Oklahoma from the tainted reputation of a refuge for lefty Libbys, hippie communes, and psychedelic drug users (not to be confused with Meth addicts, those they support!). However, the Democrats sent in their secret weapon, Governor Brad Henry, to issue an executive order declaring “Do You Realize” as Oklahoma’s State Rock Song.
Alas, the libs prevailed but what do you expect from the home of Woody Guthrie?
Call this Nuevo-American Poetry, cuz its real abstract and shit
This is the Palin farewell speech. Read this seriously..
What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here, and one thing that you are known for is your steadfast support of our military community up here and I thank you for that and thank you United States military for protecting the greatest nation on Earth. Together we stand.
And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun. And then the extremes. In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs? And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins. It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future. That is what we get to see every day. Now what the rest of America gets to see along with us is in this last frontier there is hope and opportunity and there is country pride....read the rest here
CLICK HERE TO SEE William Shatner read her speech!
I LUV HURRRRRR I LUV HUR SO GOOD!
To Eastern NC Parents, Sportsmanship comes at a cost, to winning, so basically fuck sportsmanship and you show them faggots whats up Jr.
Baseball.To many in rural and suburban America, this exclusively white and messican past-time is nothing but simple, good natured, sport.
Young boys frollock to and fro in skin-tight pantaloons, wear gloves designed to gather up balls, and then attempt to make contact with those balls with their 2-foot long wooden rods.
Being a product of an oft-broken home, I had little pressure to become the next great American ballplayer. My parents were content to let me play with my Barbie dolls and masturbate, frequently, in peace.
Yet, to many in Eastern North Carolina, having a baby boy is an opportunity similar to pressing the restart button on your NES. It means super mario gets another go.
The reason Americans have babies is so they can be famous. Its like a retirement fund. And when the babies are famous, they'll forgive you for their childhood and sprinkle you with diamonds and jet skis.
These ball playing kids, they got the customary whippings for not hitting well, the usual laps post-game for hits allowed, you know that usual parenty stuff for wanting the best out of your kids. (WHY DIDN'T MY PARENTS LOVE ME!???)
And these parents, they know whats up, and that's why they fist fight at games in the bleachers and slap ref's around. All they want to do is tell their children that sportsmanship is for those pussies playing with Barbies and masturbating, frequently, and that real life is about winning!
Think about it this way.
You can:
A) Give up your Bud Ice, bass boat, online poker, and methamphetamine to save for "cuhmuneety cawlige"
or you can
B) beat them, the refs, the school boarders and any other parents who get in ur way of makin them a fucken superstar!
Obama a Racist?
http://www.politico.com/singletitlevideo.html?bcpid=1155201977&bctid=30949315001
Glenn Beck recently confirmed what we all feared and knew to be true. Barack Obama is, indeed, a racist!
Shall I continue? Or is the truth too, dare I say, TRUTHY for all of you?
We all knew that electing the first African-American to the highest office in the land would upset the natural order of things and, eventually, hasten the coming of the end of days - but we failed to see the BIGGER repercussions. Yes, we were too narrow-minded. We were too transfixed by his winning smile and satellite dish ears. We were so naive!
Yes, Oprah endorsed him. Yes, Colin Powell endorsed him. These endorsements by white-accepted black people were simply smokebombs to provide sufficient cover for the black agenda. And, of course, the very first time a significant racial issue arises, satellite-dish-ears speaks up. Who does he think he is, Al Sharpton?
We, in America, want a President who ignores social issues and doesn't speak their mind. We would prefer President Obama couch his feelings - preferably in the format of a well-known book of the Bible. Since it is only the 7th month of his Presidency, we'll choose Genesis.
"Barry saw the racial issue, and it was good."
Would that not have been better than him brazenly speaking his mind?
So Shut Up Obama! And fix the economy already! Or is that going to get in the way of your "Black Agenda"?
Glenn Beck recently confirmed what we all feared and knew to be true. Barack Obama is, indeed, a racist!
Shall I continue? Or is the truth too, dare I say, TRUTHY for all of you?
We all knew that electing the first African-American to the highest office in the land would upset the natural order of things and, eventually, hasten the coming of the end of days - but we failed to see the BIGGER repercussions. Yes, we were too narrow-minded. We were too transfixed by his winning smile and satellite dish ears. We were so naive!
Yes, Oprah endorsed him. Yes, Colin Powell endorsed him. These endorsements by white-accepted black people were simply smokebombs to provide sufficient cover for the black agenda. And, of course, the very first time a significant racial issue arises, satellite-dish-ears speaks up. Who does he think he is, Al Sharpton?
We, in America, want a President who ignores social issues and doesn't speak their mind. We would prefer President Obama couch his feelings - preferably in the format of a well-known book of the Bible. Since it is only the 7th month of his Presidency, we'll choose Genesis.
"Barry saw the racial issue, and it was good."
Would that not have been better than him brazenly speaking his mind?
So Shut Up Obama! And fix the economy already! Or is that going to get in the way of your "Black Agenda"?
North Carolina, Come on, and raise up?
Grandchildren, esteemed colleagues,
The Great state of North Carolina is responsible for many, many, many things.
We invented flight.
We cured racism.
We turned NASCAR into a legit sport.
Basically, we love America, and probably more than you.
Guess what else we do these days?
A little this, a little that, a little international terrorist conspiracy.
Yup. A real life white American, his 2 illegitimate half breed children and 3 other U.S. of A. Americans (but still muslin {the real, yellow kind}) have been arrested for... you guessed it, an international terrorist conspiracy plot.
As a real live southerner, I knew it would not be too long before the joint strains of anti-government (read anti-American, anti-northern, anti-east coast, anti-intellectual, anti-artistic, anti-gay, anti-etc.) conjoined with muslin extremism. I mean they both hate the jews, what an ice breaker!
But where others see only see the "negative" aspects, let me be the first to congratulate my southern brethren for overcoming the other crazy rural southern vice; xenophobia.
I mean this cat loved foreigners so much he went and scooped him up a child-bride baby machine from Afghanistan, a real lady who knows her place! And after that he even had time to join the jihad and rob a mother fucking bank! All in the name of that dribble drabble noise thing they call gawd.
oh yeah, one more crazy muslin terrorist is still on the lam.
Monday, July 27, 2009
You gotta fight for your right to have holes in your peep show booth...
Well gentle readers, a true battle of your first amendment rights is ensuing in the tiny town of Clarksville, IN. Southern Indiana is a land mass in the continential United States known for its inability to pick a side; the majority of the residents agree that the North had the right idea about what side of the Civil War to be on, but that doesn't stop them from speaking in a hickish dialect and only drinking sweet tea. Perhaps it is because they refer to themselves as really living in Kentuckiana... but I digress.
On this day in the local scribe, The Evening News, it was declared that a battle for Theatair X would ensue.
For those of you not familiar with the establishment let me take you back to a time when major development had not reached this swath of land. In your editor's childhood Theatair X was an establishment known for showing inappropriate movies, selling "toys", and being a rite of passage stop for all those who turned 18. In these days the "theatre" was tucked far away on a mostly deserted road and the folk who parked in the lot could rest easy knowing their car would not be spoted in the parking lot unless some other weary soul was headed to the same place.
Well, as a much wiser human being once said, "the times, they are a-changing" and even this magical land could not hide from the mighty fist of urban sprawl. Over the years the land build up until it was surrounded by Super Wal-Marts, Super Target shopping centers, row after row of strip malls, and such fine dining establishments as Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings. These days your typical nuclear family setting out for an idyllic day of shopping at the world's largest Bass Pro Shop would be forced to explain to their children what the Theatair X was and why their grandmother's car was in the parking lot.
The mighty communities of Jeffersonville, Clarksville, and other towns that made up Clark County knew they had to nip this nuisance in the bud once and for all: enter a lawsuit!
Amoung the chief concerns listed in the lawsuit are these:
Clarksville Building Commissioner Bob Polston cited Theatair X in October for staying open past 1 a.m. In May, he cited the establishment for holes between the [peep show] booths, inadequate lighting, doors on the booths and not having a straight vision from the desk to the booths.
Any qualified lawyer could smack these arguments down rather easily.
1. Everyone knows it is too depressing to go to a peep show in Southern Indiana before you're good and drunk and can dull the shame (i.e. after 1am).
2. Isn't that the point of a peep show booth?
3. I sincerely doubt anyone in this joint is worried about the artistic effects of the lighting (sounds like the good commissioner had a bad experience...)
4 and 5 I must lump together. First you complain that there are doors on the booth so people can't spy on the peepers peeping. Then you complain that you can't see everything from the front.... what kind of voyeristic perv are you?
If you'd like to read a copy of this breaking story click here .
So readers, what do you think. Should this shamless hovel be put to extinction to save the children, or do the drunk/fat/lonely/all of the above citizens of Southern Indiana have a right to their badly lit peep shows?
On this day in the local scribe, The Evening News, it was declared that a battle for Theatair X would ensue.
For those of you not familiar with the establishment let me take you back to a time when major development had not reached this swath of land. In your editor's childhood Theatair X was an establishment known for showing inappropriate movies, selling "toys", and being a rite of passage stop for all those who turned 18. In these days the "theatre" was tucked far away on a mostly deserted road and the folk who parked in the lot could rest easy knowing their car would not be spoted in the parking lot unless some other weary soul was headed to the same place.
Well, as a much wiser human being once said, "the times, they are a-changing" and even this magical land could not hide from the mighty fist of urban sprawl. Over the years the land build up until it was surrounded by Super Wal-Marts, Super Target shopping centers, row after row of strip malls, and such fine dining establishments as Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings. These days your typical nuclear family setting out for an idyllic day of shopping at the world's largest Bass Pro Shop would be forced to explain to their children what the Theatair X was and why their grandmother's car was in the parking lot.
The mighty communities of Jeffersonville, Clarksville, and other towns that made up Clark County knew they had to nip this nuisance in the bud once and for all: enter a lawsuit!
Amoung the chief concerns listed in the lawsuit are these:
Clarksville Building Commissioner Bob Polston cited Theatair X in October for staying open past 1 a.m. In May, he cited the establishment for holes between the [peep show] booths, inadequate lighting, doors on the booths and not having a straight vision from the desk to the booths.
Any qualified lawyer could smack these arguments down rather easily.
1. Everyone knows it is too depressing to go to a peep show in Southern Indiana before you're good and drunk and can dull the shame (i.e. after 1am).
2. Isn't that the point of a peep show booth?
3. I sincerely doubt anyone in this joint is worried about the artistic effects of the lighting (sounds like the good commissioner had a bad experience...)
4 and 5 I must lump together. First you complain that there are doors on the booth so people can't spy on the peepers peeping. Then you complain that you can't see everything from the front.... what kind of voyeristic perv are you?
If you'd like to read a copy of this breaking story click here .
So readers, what do you think. Should this shamless hovel be put to extinction to save the children, or do the drunk/fat/lonely/all of the above citizens of Southern Indiana have a right to their badly lit peep shows?
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